I don’t like talking about my mental health issues, I feel the more I talk about it and focus on it, then I will not be able to move forward and live my life happily. However, I suppose sometimes people need to understand what you are going through, whether you have a full-time job, smiling every day, going out and socialising. I was inspired this weekend, from an unfortunate discussion, that if I start to accept myself instead of telling myself I am a horrible person that causes pain in others, that this is the way I am, and I am in the process of healing. The thing is, even though every day is a battle to stay positive and happy, I refuse to give in. I refuse to let this demon take over my life. For too long, I felt like I had no life at all and finally I am getting back on track and moving forward.
Coming from a family that has high pride and to be seen as weak if you show any emotions, I suppose its hard to accept why I am the way I am. Why the things that happened to me happened, why people have such evil actions and no empathy towards anyone. There are only a handful of people in my life that I can truly trust and be completely myself with. The more I grow and learn from situations, the more I find myself accepting who I am and that the things that have happened to me are not my fault.
It’s hard to understand when someone is functioning well on the outside, but you never know what people are going through on the inside. The thoughts they are having and the anxiety they are feeling, and so many people suffer from it! Some of the closest people in my life have severe anxiety and bouts of depression.
The horrible reality of having a mental health issue is that most of the time, you are not in control of your own thoughts. The only way I can explain is through what happens to me when something triggers my anxiety. It sends me into a downward spiral of negativity, I imagine the worst possible outcome to the situation I am in and it makes me feel physically sick and dizzy. Sometimes I stare into space and notice that when I am really bad I go into dissociation. I completely detach from where I am and who I am with. Only a couple of people in my life have seen me when I am at my worst, which I won’t go into the gory details… Some days I struggle to wake up, other days I find it hard to leave the house. It still baffles me today why there is so much fear in the normal things that people are supposed to do. Its uncomfortable walking down the street when you feel like everyone is staring at you. Anxiety induces such unrealistic prophesies.
The constant guilt of people putting up with me, the feeling of being a burden on someone’s life. I don’t think that will ever go away. But when you start having discipline over your thoughts and emotions, you will gain more control. Which will ultimately result in living a happier and more peaceful life. I am not saying it is easy, in fact I think its one of the hardest things a person can do if they suffer from mental health issues. I still question why people want to be in my life being the way I am, but I am getting over that and each day is getting easier to understand that people actually want to be in my life.
I guess the moral behind this post is accepting that this is the way I am wired. This is how my brain works. If people choose not to understand and would rather walk away, then that is fine. Growing up has made me realise I need to stop pretending to be someone I am not. I am strong but sometimes I break down, it gets too hard and I am only human. I will only ever allow myself to fall in love with someone who loves every part of me, even my demons. This is who I am and I am no longer ashamed to say it. I still deserve happiness just like any other person. I deserve to live a normal life even if I am not feeling normal.
It is hard to accept yourself when your mind is throwing constant insults and trying to tear you down. But it can be done. The more you start accepting that you have an issue, the better you will be able to deal with it. Unfortunately sometimes it results in cutting people from your life that bring you nothing but negativity and pain, but that is life. People grow apart and most of the time if you have let go, and they don’t return, they weren’t supposed to be in your life permanently anyway.
I am grateful that today I am surrounded by people who empathise and understand the way I am, and choose to stay regardless. They accept me for who I am and I’ll always be thankful for that. I suppose I am lucky in that way, I have an amazing support system. Some people don’t. So if you know someone who has a mental health issue, please try to empathise what they are going through, trust me, most of them are really trying hard to get better. It’s a long and very hard battle, but there is a happy ending if you start accepting instead of trying to change. Don’t change, just accept and start healing.
Having a mental illness, does not and should not define you as a human being. It is something you have, but it does not shape you as a person. Your strength of dealing with it is something you should be proud of. Not many people can deal with it. Know that if you are suffering, please don’t feel like you are alone in this. Reach out to someone close to you and get some help. Please reach out to Mind if you feel you need urgent help or guidance to start dealing with what you are going through.
Love From Meg x